Tuesday, July 04, 2006

a month later....

yeah, its only been about a month since i've posted anything. and its not that i haven't wanted to, or haven't sat in front of the computer just thinking of typing something. i'm beginning to understand my problme.... i don't know if i want to write down how i'm feeling. words are so powerful to me. the things that can be said...sometimes i get overwhelmed at the amazing strength that the written word has. i get scared.

i get scared a lot lately.

so much has been happening. i'm feeling like everything is falling out of my controle. things that should be happy and exciting and wonderful, aren't. and what i should be doing or thinking or feeling aren't what i'm doing or thinking or feeling. i'm struggling with other people's opinons and not placing enough value on my own. i'm feeling detached and so amazingly unsure of myself.

i've got some big dicisions to make....things i need to do...things i need to say. i wish that i could just write everything out. i mean really just write. but i can't tonight. i don't know when i'll be able to. surprisingly, even just typing out this nothingness of a post makes me feel a little better. at least i've been able to pin down some of the emotions that are running through me.

i'm looking out the window watching the fireworks. little things make me smile.

i don't mind winking online at all.

5 comments:

  1. I can appreciate your feelings. When all else seems flimsy and wavering i turn to Jehovah for strenght in finding the answers i need. It's one of the few things that keeps me sane. I hope that helps little with your feelings, and the cunundrums your facing.-Chris

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  2. Also i agree withyour assesment about the written word. It carries alot of meaning. I always have to weigh carefully what I'm about to say when i write these little things, for fear of giving the wrong impressions, or worse hurting people. Whoever said "sticks and stone may break my bones but words will never hurt me" didn't think it through. Words can break your heart, and there is no worse pain in te world that i know of than that. At te same time the right words at the right time can uplift you to the absolute happiest you have ever been! I love it when that happens, it's rare when that happens, but so worth the wait.

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  4. "The desire we have to serve does not come from within, it comes from holy spirit." -Sterling Hedberg

    explain that to me.. it can be taken many ways when read out of context

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  5. "feeling detached and so amazingly unsure of myself."

    ...i know the feeling.

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