i have hurt you.
unregretable emotions
led to regretable actions
that leave us....stranded....
stuck between
truely forever friends
and mere aquaintances,
i don't want you to be someone i used to love.
i think i cry more out of (fear) :
i fear the loss of your friendship
the loss of your trust
the loss of your confidance
i fear loosing you.
i am sorry....that i caused you pain.

i've been thinking....

a lot lately.

i'm having a hard time with this whole kelly getting married thing. it makes me feel old...and alone. in different ways. i feel like i'm loosing my best friend. but we did find great bride's maid dresses last saturday in kelowna. what a great weekend. fun with kelly, jeff, tyrell, and crystal. we camped and everything. that was nice.

i miss nick. really bad.

service has been really hard for me lately. last month i didn't get even close to my time and i just added everything up yesterday and its looking like i'm about 50 hours in the hole for the year. having a hard time even contemplating that. i'm loosing joy and getting frustrated and angry with myself. a lot of the time i want to give up....

i enjoy pretending to be a happy person. sometimes though, i think i might loose the battle with myself.

i really like my car. having a car is a very good thing. i still can't beleive that i went for 9 whole months without one. crazy...

we officially own our house as of yesterday at 3:00 pm. that's pretty cool. i'm excited to move in and paint and decorate and everything. i'm also looking forward to unpacking all of my boxes. there is so much that i miss. so much i wouldn't of packed if i'd known it would all be in storage for 6 months.

i want to sleep for about 12 years......

i got new glasses and i really like them. i have my own money to spend on cool things. i've always wanted to have a cute pair of glasses. now i do. yay.

i got a sunburn today. i bought a book at a yard sale this morning while in service (mom's RV was having one, so i wasnt' being bad ;) ) and spent the afternoon out on the deck reading it. completely got lost in it and ended up with one burnt shoulder. great. that will look hot in my backless halter top bride's maid dress. yessss...

i really like working at the bank. its good to have a place that i can go and just work and not think about my life. i have so much fun.

i've been thinking.....not very productive i suppose....

there was a summer storm last night!

i have been very stressed out about alot of things lately. my family seems to be a constant cause for heartache. but this afternoon was just what i needed. beautiful "summer" weather. hot sun was shining, a soft breeze, good friends, and digging in the dirt. we pulled up and re-planted a butt-load of lillies. what a job! but it was good fun. i thoroughly enjoyed myself. it was good to just get my mind off of my problems.

next weekend i'm going to meet kelly, jeff, crystal (the other bride's maid), tyrell (her husband), and alanna (kelly's little sister) in kelowna to go wedding shopping. we're hoping to find bride's maid dresses and yellow vests for the guys. i'm really excited about it! :) kelly thought that instead of having me drive all the way up there, we'd both drive about 3 hours and meet in the middle. can't wait!

i am wishing for......

• peace
• contentment
• calm
• the ablility to remember that i can't please everyone
• a life without complications
• the end of this system
• a good cry
• time to scrapbook
• more time to sleep
• less weight
• patience
• a good visit with nick
• a summertime thunder storm
• a new cd
• some new serendipity....

what a crazy week...

i can't beleive how fast this week has gone by. since i posted last sooo much has happened. here is a play by play ;)

*Thursday April 13th
i got my hair done!! blonde highlights, chunky, shaggy layers, and bangs again. i LUV it. :) i'll post some pics of that soon. i've been feeling that things are really changing...big changes. and so i decided that i needed to just embrace it. a new hair-do was a perfect idea. :)

*Special Assembly Day
what a wonderful day...so spiritually encouraging. focusing on keeping our eye simple and what that means in real life. and a really special thing happend. in his talk on the benefits of keeping a simple eye our CO used my experience about getting my job at the bank. he used me as an example of someone who put God's Kingdom first and who was blessed for it. it was very humbling to hear someone say it like that. i was really overwhelmed and started to cry. jehovah has blessed me so much. i am amazed when i just take a second to stop and think about it.

i also got to see and visit with a bunch of my friends, like nick and lory. it was so good to see everyone again. and shelby, kelsey and i got along really well over the weekend, too. :) on the way home on saturday night we stopped in Soap Lake and mom took some fun pictures of us. good times. it was a really lovely day.

*My Girls

on saturday kelly and katie traveled 7 hours to come and visit me. they were at my house when i got there, which was so special. i have missed kelly sooo badly. we had such an amazing week together. on sunday afternoon mom took the three of us down to mallot and took some AMAZING pictures of us.

i love them!!

so here are some i wanted to share. they look even better in black and white but at the moment i can't change them on the computer. but here they are anyway. (and you can see my hair too)

we had such a good time together that afternoon. what fun!

*Wednesday April 19th

I BOUGHT A NEW CAR!!!!! it is a 1990 pontiac grand prix with 80,000 miles on it. its white w/ blue interior and is in such great shape. it belonged to this little old lady who had it in her garage for the past 12 years or something. its like brand new. and i got it for $1,950. wow!!! i've gone for 9 months without a car now. its sooo nice to finally have one again.

smiles! :) :D

late on wedesday night we also colored kelly's hair. now its a beautiful dark blonde. first time she's been dark haired in 4 years or so. she looks so amazing. i luv it. we had fun doing that. stayed up until 4am.! :O

*Friday/Saturday

my cousin whitney came down from grand forks on friday after work. my dad put a stereo in my car for me. then the four of us girls: me, kelly, katie, and whitney went to grand coulee dam to spend the night. we stopped and spat into the columbia river in the middle of the night. we're so crazy! haha! we stayed at the cutest little hotel there. it had two bedrooms and everything. i had called and made a reservation before we left, so the lady from the hotel just put our door key under the matt. that was fun! then we woke up early on saturday and drove to spokane. (i love spokane)

KELLY BOUGHT A WEDDIND DRESS!!!!

it is the most beautiful dress i've ever seen. perfect for her. we had such fun shopping. i think the reality hit us both yesterday...she's getting married. holy cow. and i'm going to be her maid of honor. i can't wait! her dress will come in early in june, so i'll go pick it up and bring it with me when i got up for her convention (by the way: her and jeff are in the drama! how cool is that?) and in june crystal and i will find our bride's maid dresses. i'm so excited!

we also went and visited nick while we were in spokane. luv that guy!

and then the girls left early this morning. we had sooo much fun together. i can't beleive all that we did. what a week.

i love my kelly....