i have hurt you.
unregretable emotions
led to regretable actions
that leave us....stranded....
stuck between
truely forever friends
and mere aquaintances,
i don't want you to be someone i used to love.
i think i cry more out of (fear) :
i fear the loss of your friendship
the loss of your trust
the loss of your confidance
i fear loosing you.
i am sorry....that i caused you pain.

i've been thinking....

a lot lately.

i'm having a hard time with this whole kelly getting married thing. it makes me feel old...and alone. in different ways. i feel like i'm loosing my best friend. but we did find great bride's maid dresses last saturday in kelowna. what a great weekend. fun with kelly, jeff, tyrell, and crystal. we camped and everything. that was nice.

i miss nick. really bad.

service has been really hard for me lately. last month i didn't get even close to my time and i just added everything up yesterday and its looking like i'm about 50 hours in the hole for the year. having a hard time even contemplating that. i'm loosing joy and getting frustrated and angry with myself. a lot of the time i want to give up....

i enjoy pretending to be a happy person. sometimes though, i think i might loose the battle with myself.

i really like my car. having a car is a very good thing. i still can't beleive that i went for 9 whole months without one. crazy...

we officially own our house as of yesterday at 3:00 pm. that's pretty cool. i'm excited to move in and paint and decorate and everything. i'm also looking forward to unpacking all of my boxes. there is so much that i miss. so much i wouldn't of packed if i'd known it would all be in storage for 6 months.

i want to sleep for about 12 years......

i got new glasses and i really like them. i have my own money to spend on cool things. i've always wanted to have a cute pair of glasses. now i do. yay.

i got a sunburn today. i bought a book at a yard sale this morning while in service (mom's RV was having one, so i wasnt' being bad ;) ) and spent the afternoon out on the deck reading it. completely got lost in it and ended up with one burnt shoulder. great. that will look hot in my backless halter top bride's maid dress. yessss...

i really like working at the bank. its good to have a place that i can go and just work and not think about my life. i have so much fun.

i've been thinking.....not very productive i suppose....